It’s Gotta Be the Dreads

(Part One)

Your life is like a book of morals with stories and anecdotes to lead you through to a lesson. When you can see the theme for one day, it is absolutely astounding. Wednesday’s topic: Be cool, be fun, be loved.
I get angry and frustrated very easy. But, I can control it. When you’re angry though, sometimes it’s more frustrating to keep it inside. So you let it out and when you do, the whole world can tell. But the shit I get angry over ain’t even worth it. I’ve NEVER had anything terribly wrong happen in my life. Never been in jail, never had anyone close to me die, never been in a coma for 34 years to wake up and find out that I have a son that was produced illegally from my semen while I was out cold. None a dat shit. Donna had to tell me,

“Dan. Niggas got real problems. You’re mad for no reason.”
She was right. And that’s where that chapter started. That following Wednesday I was thinking about how much of an asshole I was at the Cove (due to the fact that I had to wait in line for an hour). I thought about how angry I was in the truck with that girl on my lap (That’s another story). A BEAUTIFUL AFRICAN PRINCESS WAS ON MY LAP AND I COULD STILL GET ANGRY? I thought about how this one nigga at the club in VA said I addressed him as a peasant because I just kinda blew him off. I thought about how people may end up thinking that I’m snotty when really I’m just a nervously shy, angry little man. When you’re headed for stardom, that’s not a good quality to have.
On temptation island they thought this girl was stuck up because she didn’t participate in any events and she would always be in her room. She said something along the lines of, “I’m a very shy and nervous person. Right now I’m nervous as hell.” But until she said that she didn’t know what to do, but stay quiet. When you stay quiet, and don’t put yourself out there, people have no choice but to wonder what you would be like if you did open up. People have to come up with their own theories if you don’t give them yours. And usually with introverts, it’s all negative. They think you to be weird, snotty, stupid (if you ain’t got shit to say, it must be ‘cause you don’t think), boring, racist (when you live with white people and don’t come out your room, they start to wonder), or a push-over. Hardly, every once in a teal moon, someone says, “He’s quiet because he’s a thinker...”

T O B K O N T I N U E D

Urban Author: All right Donna, I'ma interview you…. You ready?
Donna Marbury:Hold on… Okay… Hurry this up. America’s Next Top Model is on.
U.A.: This is gonna be so funny.
D.M.: Can you get on with it?
U.A.: So what r your current projects?
D.M.: Are we on the record?
U.A: Yeah.
D.M: Well, I am working with this hard headed author…
U.A: Would you please stop talkin' 'bout how my dique head is?
D.M.: Oh my! Um…. Anyway I just help him out when I can…. Still freelancing.
U.A.: Name a few of your freelancing projects.
D.M.: I do some work with AllHipHop.com and TheUrbanStarr.com…. shout outs to The Urban Starr!
U.A.: Niggas. Even professional nigg-- Ooh! Does Nik Vik still work there?.
D.M.: Talk about niggas… I’m not on the staff, so I don’t know.
U.A.: You know, I can type your name in Google Search and pages of $#!+ come up about you…
D.M.: Yeah, I’m an internet star
U.A.: …..
D.M.: No witty retort?
U.A.: My dear, dear Donna. I believe the silence spoke 4 itself…lol
D.M.: Do you usually badger everybody you interview like this?
U.A.: I've only interviewed me so far… It was ruff.
D.M.: You beat yourself up? Besides the hand job, that is.
U.A.: OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!
D.M.: I keed…. I keed
U.A.: R there any near future projects that we should be on the look out for?
D.M.: …..
U.A.: Donna?
D.M.: huh?
U.A.: Can you phuck America's Top Model for one second, prease?
D.M.: Blasphemy!
U.A.: I said r there any near future projects that we should be on the look out for?
D.M.: I have an interview with Floetry for their next CD.
U.A.: What if people said lol in reel life?
D.M.: Reel life? What is this, the movies? “I'm laughing out loud, Ha!"
U.A.: Reel, movies, get it? Um....Is there anything you want to say b4 you run off to watch punk @$$ top model? Huh?
U.A.: Donna… ANSWER ME!
D.M.: I’d just like to say shout outs to my mom dukes and my nigga on loc, stay up nig!
U.A.: The one with the shotgun who blew up the TV?
D.M.: lol!
U.A.: Can I put that on here? Can I?
D.M.: How can u remember that and not remember my middle name?
U.A.: Maria?
D.M.: Nope.
U.A.: Mary?
D.M.: Nope.
U.A.: Murie?
D.M.: Murray? It’s Marie.
U.A.: That’s what I said…. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to interview you Miss Marbury.
D.M.: Check me out on the Pink Ghetto… We keeps it real in the Pink Ghetto. Don’t let this journalism stuff fool you...I’m real gangsta, according to you.
U.A.: Touché.

*footsteps and a door slam*

"So, what is the purpose of the New Testament, then?” The new guy
asked. “I mean, in your eyes?”
“Go online.” The girl said this before I even had a chance to open my
mouth. “And go to the library. Research a guy named Marcion. This is the guy that compiled the epistles or letters into the book that we now know as the New Testament.”
I smiled at how well spoken her answer was. That’s when I knew that she
was convinced that Christianity was just another religion.
“Also, open your bible to Ezekiel 20,” I said. This class was a good thing
for me. I had to study now, so I was more

inclined to know where certain scriptures where.
“Starting in verse 24… ‘Because they had not executed my judgments,
but had despised my statutes, and had polluted my Sabbaths, and their eyes were after their fathers’ idols. Wherefore I gave them also statutes that were not good, and judgments whereby they should not live…’
“That’s what I accredit the New Testament to. Our people rejected the
Most High’s first laws so he gave them some laws that you can’t live by. And you can try, but you can’t live by the Old Testament and the New Testament at the same time. Ain’t no way. In the Old it says that you’re supposed to love your mother and father. In the new, in Luke 14; 26, it says for you to hate your mother and father.

The only person it tells you to love in the New Testament is your enemy.”
I knew I was going to have to back that one up. The new guy asked where
that verse was again and I started to flip through the pages when I dropped my Bible on the floor. I saw the girl get up to get it for me, but I already had a hand on it when I heard something-like a rock hitting the window and blood splattered on my hand and contrasted chromatically against the off-white pages of my Bible. The new guy’s mouth dropped and I looked at my hand to see why I was bleeding… But I wasn’t.

When I looked up, the girl was falling
towards me and I caught her before she hit the ground. I heard someone yell ‘No!’ And then

I saw something fall from the rooftop across the street…



--Rebel

Okay, this is whasuup. I had this Blog on Xanga, but it didn’t get enough hits 4 me. So this is what I’ll do. I’ll move it so Condom Rappers. I’ll start it here. It’s called…

Spotlight on…

The Urban Author

Y not be selfish? Don’t worry. There are four weeks in a month and 12 months in a year. That means (um…carry the 1, multiplied by--) I will have a spotlight on almost 50 people a year! That’s like half a hundred. In years that’s five whole decades. Do you know how many different genres of music where created in half a century?

Oh! I know… We’ll interview the people. This’ll be such fun!

Urban Author: Current projects?

Urban Author: Straight to the nitty gritty. I like that. Well… Currently I’m doing a lot to get some eyes on my book. I got this blog. I’ve put some business cards in Military Circle mall… I’m also putting together some ideas for an after hours spot that I’ma be apartta in Columbus.

U. A.: Georgia?

U.A.: Ohio.

U.A.: Oh yeah—that’s right. I’ve gotten it from a crazy amount of sources that you love Columbus Ohio.

U.A.: Who?

U.A.: I can’t reveil my sources. So tell us a little about this.

U.A.: Reveal. Yeah, Columbus is like a crazy ass semi- psychotic girlfriend to me. When I’m away from her, I miss her to death, when I’m with her, I can’t stand the bitch! I dunno. Donna said that she thinks I love the fact that it has such a progressive black community, which is true…. And the diversity of people is astounding. The fact that the biggest city in Ohio has a college with one of (if not) the biggest campus in the nation-- you got a mesh of people coming from everywhere!

U.A.: *snoring*

Associate
Producer: Psst! *nudge*

U.A.: Huh—wha? Oh…um *throat clear* Yes….me too!

U.A.: Asshole.

U.A.: So, what is your infatuation with Columb—hold on… *shuffles his notes* I mean-- Okay. I hear you airbrush as well. Is that correct?

U.A.: That’s correct. You can see me in Virginia Beach working at Kozy Korner on 16th and Atlantic until November and every summer until I die. And from November 2005 until May 2006-- Damn! Can you believe it’s about to be 2006? I remember when the millennium was just a thought. I was like thirteen thinking, “I’ll be 20 yrs. old in the year 2000. I’ll be an old man. I don’t—“

U.A.: Sir. Stay on subject, please.

U.A.: Oh yeah, sorry… Um…

U.A.: You’ll be working at…

U.A.: I'll be working where?

U.A.: In November?

U.A.: Oh, at Danny’s shop in the City Center. Did I say that I was moving back to Columbus in November? Yeah, well I am. Well, hopefully I’ll be working for him. I kinda haven’t told him yet.

U.A.: You play it dangerously, don’t you? (Gawd, how much time do we have left?!)

U.A.: Dangerous Art! That’s what it’s called. Get it?

U.A.: no.

U.A.: oh.

U.A.: ….

U.A.: ….

U.A.: So, how bout them Steelers?

U.A.: PITTSBURGH! You know, after last season’s upset, I didn’t wear my Roethlisberger jersey all damn summer… But I put that bitch on just recently… What are we? 3 and 0?

U.A.: And that’s all the time we have left (thank the powers that be!) Remember to check out The Urban Author’s web blog right here. And be sure to pick up his newest book—

U.A.: Only book.

U.A.: --only book, 79 Ways 2 Die at redleadbooks.com. And like he said, you can find him airbrushing in Virginia Beach at Kozy Korner T-Shirts on 16th and Atlantic until November and in Columbus starting in November at City Center Mall.

U.A.: I’ma also be starting school at CCAD in Jan—

U.A.: It’s over. Join us next time when I will be interviewing Donna Marbury, Communications Specialist for the Ohio Chamber of Commerce.

Donna
Marbury: I’d rather you put that I was a journalist.

U.A.: Oh shit! You scared the BeJesu—Where the phuck you come from? Security!

W h i t e

S h o e s

Don’t try to play me like this ain’t an important topic. As far as this made up culture goes, the shoes you wear are a very noticeable part of your hipness and fashion sense. To this day, I can throw on a $2.75 beater, a $10 overthrow, and some $20 pair of jeans, but making the right decision for the shoes I’m gonna wear (ranging from $40--$85) is priceless. My first pair of Nikes (circa 1989) were 50 bones. My first pair of Tims was 75 dollars. My first pair of Airforce Ones were $120. Some things you can buy. Fashion sense isn’t one of them.
Unless you’re Jay-Z, who rocks a $300 pair of pants, shoes will come second in expense only to your Ice. I’ve heard the comments that chicks make on black online dating services (not that I’ve ever been on anything like that).
“He must be a nice dresser,”
“Shoes are important.”
“He’s gotta wear fresh shoes.”
So back to the question at foot, can a grown-ass man rock some fresh white on whites in this day and age and not come off looking like some pretty boy R&B singer? Are they only for the light-skinned and clean cut? Do I have to wait for Reverend Run to do a remix of “My Adidas” or Nelly to demand “two pur” again before they become cool for any and everybody. I asked our Senior Urban reporter, Donna Marbury what she thought of guys and white shoes, but she didn’t give me an answer. Her IM said “Idle.” My phone don’t work…. NEway. I really would like some comments on this one people.

What the Hell Happened to Fatty Koo?

What you hear is a testa

to get you to move your chesta

bounce your body like a seizure

make you loose all your respa

--Bounce

You know what’s effed up? At 9:23pm on April 21st 2005, Columbians sat around their TV’s screens with a Corona in one hand and a mixed drink in the other (or maybe that was just me) anxiously waiting to see a glimpse of their city or people they know on BET. (The artwork me & Ray reproduced was on the opening scene! Uh—huhm…sorry.) And no, that’s not the effed up part. The part that I felt bad about was that our very own urban reporter, Donna Marbury was on TV that same night, and we didn’t even watch (or maybe that was just me), and she was on for some important shit!
So anyway, what the phuck happened to Fatty Koo? Well I’m glad you asked. Through the magic of technology I can now do a search on them bastards and find out….
Hm. Let’s see…. They supposedly had a free concert in Boston earlier this month…. (Laa—Da dee, laa daa ddaah)….. Looks like “Chills” will be their next single released… (Mama’s little baby loves)…. Phuck it. That’s all I got. Well, be on the look out for the next groups to “Blow up” outta Columbus. We got Banned Wagon Music (Buh, buh, buh, buh), Elevator Music (3emink Bitch!), and 3rd Eye (um—er..ah…Fo chizzle….?). Dee (from Banned Wagon) is working on her solo joint, Rashad (PITTSBURGH!!from elevator music) is always on the grind, and ya’ll already know about Middle Child, who is constantly tearin’ up the night scene at many of Columbus’ events (sorry for bein’ rude to you that one night, I’m a hater. You know I think you the $#!+, though!). When ya’ll mah-ah-phuckas get on, you better keep Columbus updated. Ya’ll know this is where ya’ll started!
Don’t forget, I got my other blizzog up and rizzn. “Spotlight on….,” where I will interview a totally different person every single week! Hey. Hey, hey. Everybody’s got a story to tell. Even you!

I looked around her bedroom to decide what I could do without for a while. Condom wrappers were everywhere! I smiled. My niggas would think I was the man. I kicked a few shoes to the side wall. I picked up her bra and threw it in the papason. I took the pillows off the floor and threw them on the bed. I straightened out the covers to find the blue and white button down that I wore the night before. I left that behind a chair in the corner to let her know that I’d be back. I left every single condom wrapper where it was…
She walked into her room and looked around. She looked at the flimsy, open packages and remembered the previous night and the morning. She smiled at my half-ass clean up job and she began straightening up a little, starting with the empty little sins that were reminders of something that felt so good. What would her girlfriends think of her if they saw the wrappers everywhere? She threw away everyone she could find. She plopped down on the bed and smelled my scent on her sheets. Behind her chair, she saw my shirt…
Every time I turn on the radio, it’s another artist singing about the opposite sex. Whether it’s about love, club hopping, rims---it’s always about sex. And, (remember your teacher told you not to start a sentence with “And”) hip hop’s blend of “conscious rappers” on TV commercials telling you to “strap it up,” and “gangsta rappers” who phuck for the phuck of it, both support the use of safe sex. Whether its head or condoms, nobody wants to get AIDs….
So basically this is what this blog is about. Condom Rappers? Naw, hell naw. Didn’t you get the memo, Mayne? This is about artistic interpretation. I was talking to somebody last night and they said something about condom wrappers and I decided that that was attention grabbing enough to name my blog. The person I was talking to didn’t understand. I explained that life is bullshit sometimes, and artists depict life. Sometimes you come up with a title first and then figure out what the story is about.
I could go on forever about this “Condom Rappers” thing, Mayne, or I can go on as long as this blog lasts. Phuck with me, world...